Difficulties And Hurdles Of
Marriage
Whenever it is said to a youth "Marry", he instantly presents the problems, difficulties, and hurdles of marriage and the first difficulty that he discusses is the economical and financial matters. He then counts the other problems one by one. It is a fact that there are really lots of difficulties on the way to marriage, which cannot be neglected. In this chapter, by the will of Allah, we shall consider these difficulties, impediments and obstacles and contemplate the solutions to them.
DIFFICULTIES: REAL OR ARTIFICIAL?
Alas, our society still remains a far distance from the true and pure Mohammadan Islam. Ah! Still its face is hidden behind the curtain of many problems. And the curtains of ignorance, false habits and customs, selfishness polytheism and egoism have hindered the radiant sun of Islam, depriving siciety of its
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life-giving glare.
Had Islam been the standard and criterion in marriage and spouse choosing, most or all of these difficulties would not have existed. But which Islam? According to Imam Khomeini (r.a) pure Mohammadan Islam, not American Islam.
Pure Islam is the same as the Prophet (a.s) originated. Have we not read and heard about the glorious Prophet (a.s)? That he executed all the stages of marriage, i.e.engagement, fixation of dowry, and recitation of marriage service, in the span of a few minutes, and handed the husband and wife to each other and sent them to their home? These are not myths, not even miracles. Still the pure Mohammadan Islam is the same and has the same strength and quality, but it is we who are not pure Muslims (all our shortcomings are due to "our" Muslimhood, not to Islam).
WHAT TO DO NOW?
In any case, difficulties and hindrances do exist, and their solutions and remedies must be found. These remedies and solutions are of two kinds: one is long term and the other is short term. The long term ones are mosty related to the intelligentsia, the rulers, reformers, think tanks and the trainers of the nation and society, who should seek solutions for the entire society and its welfare. And the short term ones are mostly connected to the youth and their parents themselves, who must seek the immediate solution as to what must be done in these circumstances and conditions.
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At the moment, we are not going to talk about the long term solutions. They may be discussed independently at another time. Our main discussion pertains to the short term planning, i.e. what might be done right now? So now we take up the real and actual difficulties.
FIRST DIFFICULTY
ECONOMIC AND MONETARY DIFFICULTY
The major part of this difficulty is formed from the intricacies created by society, which is not the actual difficulty of marriage. Had our life been based upon the foundations of Islam and human nature, these external difficulties would not have existed, or would have been extremely minimized, and there would have been no youth who could not marry due to such things. Anyway, these things presently exist and our society has brought them into being, and a solution must be sought for them.
SOLUTIONS:
1. ALLAH'S SUPPORTS
Allah and the leaders of Islam have given a lot of good news and hope in this regard, which can be very hopeful and trusting supports for the youth. It is obligatory and binding upon us to have complete satisfaction about these promises and news. Their proises and commitments are true. There could be no more hope - giving and enthusiasm - creating thing than this support for the youth who intend to marry but find the economical difficulties a hurdle and hindrance on their way. Faith in this support brings
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about a great courage and valour in a man. Now we consider a few of those.
Allah promises:
æ ÃäßÍæÇ ÇáÃíÇãí ãäßã æÇáÕÇáÍíä ãä ÚÈÇÏßã æ ÅãÇÆßã Åä íßæäæÇ
ÝÞÑÇÁ íÛäåã Çááå ãä ÝÖáå æÇááå æÇÓÚ Úáíã
"And marry those among you who are single and those
who are fit among your male slaves and your female
slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from
want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving,
knowing. (24:32)"
This is a clear, distinct and conspicuous promise of Allah; and which promise can be more trusting than Allah's?
Young brother and sister, be satisfied and absolutely sure about this promises of Allah, then you will see the definite and bright result of it, inshallah.
I have personally seen and observed and touched this in many cases among my friends and acquaintances who did not have a house or wealth at the time of their marriage, but later on became house owners and wealthy. Very rarely have I seen people possessing a house and material sources before marriage. I know only two of these cases where some people were provided with a house and money before marriage, but interestingly, they too were confronted with a cold, spiritless, and purposeless life due to them putting off and delaying their marriage for the procurement of house and money; since they wasted the spring of marriage that is the valuable period of youth till the
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"autumn of life" appeared.
THE GOOD NEWS GIVEN BY THE LEADERS OF ISLAM
The Prophet (s.a) who is the trustee of Allah's mysteries and secrets spoke about Allha's help to the youth as follows:
ÒæÌæÇ ÃíÇãÇßã ÝÅä Çááå íÍÓä áåã Ýí ÃÎáÇÞåã æ íæÓÚ áåã Ýí ÃÑÒÇÞåã
æ íÒíÏåã Ýí ãÑæÇÊåã.
"Give spouse to your single ones, because Allah makes their morality better (improves it) (under the shadow of marriage)
and expands their sustenance and increases their generosity (human values)." 1
Yet again he says:
ãä ÊÑß ÇáÊÒæíÌ ãÎÇÝÉ ÇáÚíáÉ ÝÞÏ ÓÇÁ ÇáÙä ÈÇááå. Åä Çááå íÞæá: Åä
íßæäæÇ ÝÞÑÇÁ íÛäåã Çááå ãä ÝÖáå.
"The one who forsakes and drops marriage for fear of poverty and adversity, indeed he has a bad (negative) opinion and thought about Allah. Verily Allah said: 'If they are poor, Allah will turn them needless by His grace.'" 2
Again that magnanimous one says to the youth:
ÅÊÎÐæÇ ÇáÃåá ÝÅäå ÃÑÒÞ áßã.
"Get spouses, as that increases your sustenance." 3
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1- Nawadir al-Rawandi, p 36.
2- Wasail al-Shia, Vol 3,p5.
3- Wasail al-Shia, Vol.3 p7.
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ÇáÑÒÞ ãÚ ÇáäÓÇÁ æÇáÚíÇá.
"Sustenance is with wives and family." 1
A BEAUTIFUL EXAMPLE
A young man who was extremely poor and penniless came into the persence of the holy Prophet (a.s) and complained to him about his poverty and adversity, and requested his guidance, saying:
"Oh Prophet of Allah, what must I do to get out of this condition fo extreme poverty and apprehension?"
The Prophet said: "Do marry!"
The young man was surprised and said to himself,
"How can I, who do not have enough means to run my own life's expenses, marry and shoulder the responsibility and expenses of wife an myself together?"
However, since he was completely sure about the correctness of the saying of the Prophet (a.s) and believed in its truth, did get married and his life gradually and economically improved. he came out of the state of poverty and misery.
Deep attention to this good news and true promises projects sureness about Allah's aid and help in the human heart, so that one marries and is not afraid of the difficulties, hardships and hindrances.
And it is taken for granted that when a youth marries for the pleasure of Allah, implementation of His
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1- Noor al-Thaqalain, Vol. 3 p 599.
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command and remaining safe and secure from the corruptions and spiritual and physical ailments, and also for the sake of progress, completion and prosperity, Allah's beneficence and kindness would overwhelm him, and His help would come to make him reach his sacred aim.
2. NEW HORIZONS
After marriage, new horizons and vistas open up before one, which did not exist before; since the individual, as a result of marriage, feels more responsibity and sees oneself responsible to manage the new life, to procure the livelihood and save the family's honour. Thereby, he utilizes all his potential capabalities and hidden talents. Fresh spring sprout up from his interior. Talents that he was unaware of rise up and premarital sleeping energies gush out. He finds a new and energetic personality inside himself. His dependance and trust upon Allah increases. And all of a sudden "new broad horizons" open up and are made apparent before his intellect, mind and soul.
On the other side, under the shadow of marriage and resting beside a kind, intimate and sympathetic life partner, all the problems, pressures, agonies of single life, loneliness, feelings of scornfulness and shortcomings are forgotten, and as a consequences, the human soul blossoms and the keenness and eagerness towards progress and completion blooms in him, and man flies up towards the hieght of completion and prosperity.
What a large number of people have been seen who,
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after marrying a suitable spouse , have found for themselves new personalities, become new persons, and their journey towards all ends picked up acceleration and speed.
This progress and developement of new horizons contains and consists of economic affairs as well and the youth explores new ways and means of livelihood and procuring income. He becomes brave and dauntless in his economical matters, expansion of his job and business. As a result, his income is boosted and increases by these activities. Economical problems and hardships are removed one by one.
Every success has many other successes following it and every new victory brings other victories.
3. JOB FACILITIES AND ALLOWANCES
In a lot of orgainizations, job institutions and offices married employees are given such facilities, allowances and benefits, which are not given to the unmarried. For example, when teachers get married, they are provided with plots, loans and other benefits and allowances that have a great effect upon the betterment of their economical conditions.
Just as it has been previously stated, 90% of my friend and acquaintances became house owners and wealthy after being married. Most of them were teachers and preceptors who, when married, even after their simple engagement, acquired access to pieces of land and loans, constructed houses, and even their marriage expenses were met by the same money. Of course, we
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must be attentive to the fact that in all these cases "Allah's help" is effective.
4. ATTAINING STATUS AND MORE REVERENCE
In society, married people are usually more respected and given higher status than single ones. The banks and financial institutions that provide loans, and the businessmen and institutions providing commodities on instalments trust and value married people more. This trust and economical honour has its effect upon removing the financial hardships of life and improving its elegance and splendour.
5. SPECIAL MARRIAGE LOANS
Special funds and bank loans for this essential matter must be established everywhere. This seems to be one of the long-term slolutions we have decide not to discuss. We, at present, do not have any concern with the long term ones, but the youth themselves and the residents of each street can perform it, and the mosques are suitable places for this work. It may not necessarily be a large one; it can be a small unit in each street and area, and can announce that everyone can bring in any amount of money and give it as a loan for marriage expenditures and expenses for Allah's pleasure.
Unfortunately, some of the loan funds, which at the beginning were meant for meeting the needs of needy people, have now turned into 'business shops'. Anyone who has more money or works more with the fund gets more loans! (Glory be to the Creator! Is this the
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meaning of a loan?!)
We are not concerned with such funds. Of course, there are some funds concordant with their preliminary aims and objectives and young men can, by trusting in Allah and with their high morale, courage, fortitude and the help of sincere and pious men raise and establish special marriage funds.
6. DECREASING THE CREMONIES AND ADDITIONAL EXPENSES
Most of the ceremonies regarding marriage are against Islam, reason and human nature.
We must again regret that our society has become so immersed in habits, rites and customs of ignorance. A lot has been said and is being said over this topic. Reformers admonish. Writers write. The religious scholars and clergymen describe the traditions and the mode of life and morale of the infallibles. But alas, it has a little effect upon hardened hearts, which are contaminated with the customs of ignorance.
Why have we become so? Why have we, who claim piety ad culture, flung ourselves far from peity and civilization and the lofty Islamic culture?
Why do we bind ourselves by such chains of imprisonment?
why is our society moving fast towards decline, retro gradation and retrogression and the fall of moral values? Why is it that after th revolution it was expected that the mean rites of ignorance would go, but actually we see them on the increase? This is most
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certainly not the fault of the revolution, it is ours.
The dower sums and wedding gifts are going up each day. Dowries are increasing. The expenses and expenditures are swelling. Ceremonies are boosting up in number. Emulation and rivalry is increasing and avarice and jealousy is intensifying.
O Allah! What has gone wrong with us?
Oh dear fathers and mothers, be mindful not to sacrifice your children upon your greed and avarice. Be mindful not to destroy their prosperity. Do you know that if you hinder the marriage of your son with a suitable spouse, its harm and loss will reach you before and more than everybody else? Take lesson from all the corruption that has taken place due to delays in marriages for the sake of ceremonies and rites.
If your dear daughter becomes corrupt, you will lose your honour, which will make you bow down your head.
If you receive the news that your daughter has made friends with indecent boys, and God forbid, she has become immodest and immoral, then this stain will remain upon your face forever.
If, God forbid, your son becomes immoral, characterless, and corrupt and involved in feeding his eyes with prohibited sights, sexual deviation, indulgence, and dirty sexual activities, this would bring a black spot of eternal disgrace to you.
If your son or daughter is confronted with depression, apprehension or physical and spiritual disease due to
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sexual strains, solitude and loneliness, or masturbation and sexual deviations, their loss, apprehension and grief will also be shared by you.
Why have we become negligent and heedless to the facts? Did the Prophet (a.s) not say the daughter who id not married in time is like a fruit that is not plucked in time and becomes rotten and stale? Did Islam not reveal: "If the marriage of the son is delayed due to the parents ad he is deviated (with sin), that sin will be shared by the father and the mother as well"?
Even if we are not Muslims, why must we not take lesson from the experiences of society?
Oh dear father and mother, oh sisters and brothers, do for sure that most difficulties are our own creations, and we have ourselves loaded these problems ad unisances upon ourselves.
When the parents, and even the boys and girls, are talked to and guided about decreasing and diminishing the expenditures ad ceremonies, adn an ample number of arguments are given in this connection, they reply: "All that you say is correct, but, we have honour and prestige It would be stepping down fron the height of honour if we do not take such and such an amount as dower sum, have simple ceremonies, the girls' dowry may not containg a colour TV, furniture, freezer and carpet, certain types of jewellery may not
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be there, and the right milk price1 may not be received. We are honourable and must remain honourable and respectable and raise our head (with honour) among both families."
The answer is: Is our honour and reverence more than that of the Prophet (a.s), Ali (a.s) and Fatima (a.s).
If holding simple marriage ceremonies, short of rites, is a disgrace and causes dishonour, then how come these great personalities did that? All of us know that they were the most honourable of humanity in the whole of the universe. And no one reaches their status in connection with honour, respect, nobility and position.
Nevertheless, all of us are aware that the marriage of Hazrat Zahra (s.a) and Hazrat Ali (a.s) was held in the most simple form, and that all the expenditure of the dower sum, dowry and household effects and marriage expenses were procured from the sale of Hazrat Ali's armoured jacket. The total expenses totalled nearly thirty thousand Tomans today (nearly 60 dollars)!!!
Yes, it is true that we do not have the strenght to lead a life similar to those magnanimous ones. But at least we must resemble them and our life style should have some resemblance with theirs; otherwise, what does followin gand taking example mean? If we claim to be their followers, but our life conduct ad morality does
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1- Milk price is a certain amount of money taken from the bridegroom on behalf of the mother's feeding milk to her daughter (bride) during the bride's infancy.
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not have any resemblance with theirs, then the claim would be a lie and it is a form of hypocrisy.
And likewise, it is true that the form and pattern of life has changed, e standards of living have gone up and the age has changed. But the Islamic and human standards and values have definitely not changed at all and will never change. That is to say, not spending extravagantly, simplicity in life, not having rivalry and the invalidity of fables and ceremonies shall always stand; let the society go to any height of standards.
"All that Mohammad (a.s) made lawful shall be lawful to the resurrection day, and all that Mohammad (a.s) declared unlawful and illegal shall remain so to the resurrection day."
Regretfully, these false ceremonies and wrong rites are a social and cultural disease, which has affected all of us; and we all are responsible for it.
O' fathers, mothers,sisters and brothers! We must believe for sure that the rites and ceremonies are like the spider's web, the more they grow, the more we would become entangled in them, to the extent that they suffocate, choke and destroy us. The lesser their number, the more comfortable and at ease would man be.
